


Almost Lovers

by iwritewhenimhappy



Series: Santa Monica, Baby [7]
Category: 9-1-1 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - Detectives, Case Fic, Character Death, F/F, F/M, Gen, Grief/Mourning, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Multi, Panic Attacks, Slow Build, Slow Burn, Supernatural Elements
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-22
Updated: 2019-08-21
Packaged: 2020-09-23 20:00:47
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20345869
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iwritewhenimhappy/pseuds/iwritewhenimhappy
Summary: Eddie is pushing Buck away, and with a new set of murders that forces them to go undercover, this may be their most challenging case yet.





	1. One.

**Author's Note:**

> Originally posted on tumblr.

“Victim is Hunter Long. Age, twenty, and white. Obvious first impression of cause of death is stabbing. Of course, we can’t be sure until the autopsy.” Alec, the ME explains as Buck and Eddie walk through the crime scene. It’s an alleyway, between two apartment complexes downtown. The victim, Hunter lays sprawled against a dumpster, pockets out and blood seeping through. He wears low cut jeans and a halter top. As stereotypical as it is, Eddie can’t help but assume that he’s gay.

“Any idea on a time frame?” Buck asks as he kneels down and looks into the cold grey eyes of the young man.

“Early hours it looks like.” Alec explains as he looks over the body.

“There’s been no reports of screaming, disturbances, anything?” Buck looks to Eddie who shakes his head. Buck’s eyes squint in confusion. “Damn. He was stabbed a lot, looks like he was killed here, you would think that someone heard something.”

“Yeah, you would think.” Eddie comments and he stands a little closer to Buck, leaning over beside him to get a better look at the bruise on the man’s neck. Buck leans back slightly, a wave of Eddie’s aftershave, so familiar- so real washing over him. It reminds him of his place, of the kiss, of the almost of it all, and Buck can’t help but feel his heart squeeze painfully like someone has a death grip on it. Not just someone though, Eddie.

“Hicky.” Alec supplies as Eddie backs away. As soon as he stands Buck sighs in relief. Neither of them notice.

“Recent?” Eddie questions.

“It hasn’t even fully formed, so yeah, I would say pretty soon before he was stabbed.”

“So maybe a lover?”

“It’s possible.” Alec says, even though that’s not his job.

“Did he have a wallet?” Buck questions.

“Yeah, it’s in an evidence bag, off to be processed.”

“Anything inside?”

“Nothing aside from his driver’s.” Alec tells them.

“So, maybe it’s a robbery.”

“Anything’s possible.” Eddie cuts in before Alec can. His eyes are hard as he says his next words, “Especially with someone like him.”

-<>-

“So, we’ll leave the canvassing to the patrolmen?” Buck asks Eddie who doesn’t look up. They’re at the mouth of the alley now, giving Alec and his assistant some room to get the body up and loaded. Eddie has his head down, pencil in hand and is scribbling notes like mad. Buck’s not sure if he really has a lot to write down or if he’s simply trying to avoid Buck’s gaze.

“No, I’ll do it.” Eddie tells him.

“You can’t do it alone, come on, Eds-”

“Don’t.” Eddie looks up, his eyes cold. “Don’t call me that anymore. Partners, remember?”

Buck, properly told off, nods as his eyes and his heart turn sad. Eddie turns and leaves. Buck whispering from behind him, “How can I forget?”

-<>-

“Buck, I had this, you didn’t need to help.” Eddie says with clenched teeth as they meet back in the middle a few hours later.

“I’m your partner, remember?” Buck says his voice solid, but his eyes anything but. They stand by Buck’s car, both with notepads filled larger than ever, but most of it being useless.

“Right. Did you get anything?”

“No, not really.” Buck chuckles. “But I did get an urgent text from the Captain about the new guys.”

Eddie nods. “Me too.”

“Hey, cheer up, now you’re no longer the rookie. That has to be a good thing right?”

Eddie sort of shrugs, not really caring either way. He’s been like this about almost everything lately. The only thing that brings anything close to a human response or expression is his son, Christopher, and Buck supposes that’s something. Better than nothing anyway. It’s a really good start, but it has been months since Shannon, and Buck knows that he loved her, but why can’t he take any steps to getting better? Hell, Buck even mentioned a counsellor once, but Eddie just about bit his head off for that, not that Buck can blame him. He used to think they were pointless too, but he knows better now and he wishes that Eddie could trust him on that. In fact, Buck wishes Eddie would trust him again period.

“Did you get anywhere?” Buck asks, noticing that Eddie hasn’t volunteered how far he got.

“There was a guy, the apartment on the left, B20. He claims not to know anything but he was lying.”

“How do you know?”

“I felt it. What? Do you want to go check yourself?”

“I believe you.” Buck says quickly, as the concern he has for Eddie constant these days gets bigger and bigger in this moment. His sharp tone and harsh words are nothing like the gentle, strong, and patient man he knows.

“Good.”

-<>-

“Find anything on there about this guy?” Buck asks as Eddie searches on the laptop that’s hooked up into his car. Every Detective’s car has one, every patrolman’s too for that matter.

“Yeah, Bruce Niles, age 59. He’s married, two kids, both grown up and out of the picture. Wife is 63 and lives with him.” Eddie explains. “My guess? Mr. Niles isn’t as normal as he’d like people to think.”

Buck, despite driving in heavy flow traffic, snaps his eyes over to Eddie briefly, surprised and confused. They’re back on the road before Eddie can notice, but his words that he speaks next are no doubt on edge. “What do you mean, ‘normal’?”

“Come on, Buck, that kid, Hunter, you saw what he was wearing.”

“Yeah, and so did the ME, what’s your point?”

Eddie shakes his head. “Him and Mr. Niles.”

The way he says it makes Buck pause and look at him, a strange expression on his face. “Maybe.”

“No ‘maybes,’ I can feel it. Something was going on between them.”

-<>-

“Look, whether he’s gay or not doesn’t matter.” Buck explains as they walk down the hall toward their unit’s offices.

“It does if Mr. Niles didn’t want to be outed.” Eddie tells him right back.

“I guess, but Eddie, he’s 59, there were at least ten stab wounds.”

“We still have to question him again.”

“I know, but, we should look elsewhere too.”

Eddie doesn’t snipe back, but he does put up a wall that seems to crush Buck underneath it. Buck feels that familiar prick of irritation at the gesture as they make their way to their desks and almost says something, but before he can, Bobby is calling them.

“Diaz, Buckley, come meet our newest Detectives.” The Captain says. Buck looks up and finds Eddie staring at the two Bobby’s talking about with a strange expression on his face. Bobby, noticing that they both aren’t going to come to him, ushers the two over to them.

“Buck, Eddie, this is Detective Milton and Detective Armen.” Bobby introduces.

Buck holds out his hand as the woman, brown hair and brown eyes, pretty, smiles at him. She reaches out and grasps their hands together in a firm shake. With the smile still on her features, she says, “Please, call me Anna, and him Markus. There’s no need to be formal when we’ll be working together so closely, is there?”

Buck shakes his head no just as Eddie runs out of the room.


	2. Two.

“Eddie?” Buck calls urgently and gently all in one. He’s opened the door to the bathrooms where he swears he saw Eddie run into. He must be in here, and whatever is going on, he shouldn’t be alone. Buck is his partner after all. “Eddie?”

“B- B-” It’s all Eddie manages to get out, but it’s enough for Buck to follow his voice to a stall, closed shut and tightly latched. Buck is there in an instant trying to open it but failing due to the lock.

“Eddie? It’s Buck. What’s wrong, man? What’s going on? Open the door.” Buck tries, but he doesn’t get a response, instead all he hears is his breathing in the silence of the room, growing louder and louder until Buck is panicking too. “Please, just open up.”

The urgency and need to see him is overwhelming. The need to see and comfort, and do something, anything for Eddie consumes him. His heart beats as his stomach twists and twirls. It’s torture. All he wants is for Eddie to be okay and to see that he is, with his own eyes. Buck doesn’t know what to do. He really doesn’t. If this was some other public bathroom then maybe he could crawl under the door or fly over top, but it’s not, and the doors go all the way to the bottom. Heavy and secure, just like everything else in this place is supposed to be.

“Eddie, hey, it’s okay. You’re safe, you know that, right? I’m right here.” Buck tells him as strongly as he can manage. He slides down the door and sits on the cold floor tiles. His head rests against the door as he feels, just as much as he hears Eddie do the same. Buck puts his hand up and lays it flat against the surface of the door. He imagines Eddie’s chest beneath his fingers, rising and falling, quickly instead of the cold metal door. “I’m not going anywhere, okay? Whatever you need, man, whatever you need.”

“Bu-” Eddie tries to say again, but his breathing cuts his own words off like a sharp knife. He gasps and continues to fall into the panic and fear.

“Hey, it’s okay, you don’t have to talk. Um, tap on the door for yes, okay? Do you want me to keep talking?” Buck tries. He holds his own breath after speaking and waits for Eddie’s response. He gets it in the form of the tap on the door, right underneath the palm of his hand still splayed on the door.

Buck nods, mostly to himself and then starts talking again, filling the silence, and hopefully filling Eddie’s mind. Snuffing out the fear and filling him with something else instead. Warmth, security, or distraction. It doesn’t really matter, as long as Eddie’s okay. That’s all that matters. “Remember when I left for those couple of weeks? I told you I went home but that’s not exactly true. Me and Maddie, we went home but it wasn’t to go home it was to see my dad… It was actually a lot of fun, we saw these deer, one big one and two babies. You don’t see that kind of stuff around here but out there we did and it was pretty awesome. I- I kind of wished you were there but I knew that you needed to be with Christopher. We got this ice cream too from this weird shop at the edge of a…”

-<>-

It takes a while but eventually Eddie’s breathing slows and then seemingly stops, or at least it’s normal now where you don’t even notice it. Eddie still hasn’t said anything and Buck is still talking, but he’s not going to stop. Not until Eddie tells him to or opens the door. He may sound okay but he might still be panicking inside. Even though every part of Buck is screaming to kick down the door and see for himself that Eddie is doing better, he knows he can’t do that, so he keeps talking and talking, until the door lock clicks open by Eddie.

Buck scrambles to his feet and backs away as the door opens. Eddie walks out, perfectly gelled back hair now uncombed, long pieces down his forehead into his eyes. His face is red and his eyes are even redder. He’s unsteady on his feet and he’s been sweating a lot, but despite that Buck can’t help but lose his own breath for entirely different reasons, because he is so goddamn handsome and beautiful. Buck didn’t know it was possible for someone to be both those things at once, until right now.

“Eddie?” Buck asks, his arms, his hands itching to outstretch and pull him close. To hold him, rubbing his back and pushing back his hair. To kiss him on the cheek, on the neck, and then squeeze, not too tight, but tight enough to know that Buck’s got him. That he won’t ever let him go, that he’ll protect and keep him safe no matter what, and that he is loved, deeply and maybe even unconditionally loved. But he doesn’t, he can’t… _“Partners.”_

Eddie nods. “I’m- I’m f- f- fine.”

It’s a lie but Buck doesn’t call him out on it. “Can I take you home?”

Eddie looks up sharply. “It’s only noon.”

“Yeah, well, I’ll call Bobby and tell him that you aren’t feeling well.”

“I’m fine.” Eddie says determinately before showing just how fine is by taking a step toward the door out, but as soon as he does so he shakes. His body trembles and he sags against the wall just as Buck takes a step forward. Buck’s arms are out, ready to catch, to hold, and to help, but Eddie is already waving him off. “I’m fine.”

“Please, Eddie, just let me take you home.”

His voice must have caught somewhere in the middle, or maybe it was his eyes, but something makes Eddie look up and notice. They lock their eyes onto each other’s and some things pass between them. Buck’s instance and worry, and Eddie’s fear of being weak and of not measuring up, of not being enough, but he is enough. He’s strong and he measures past every expectation, Buck knows this, he’s seen it, and he wishes Eddie does too.

Eventually Eddie nods, and Buck feels his heart swell the teensiest bit at this small victory. Eddie keeps him at arm’s length like always, only this time there’s more urgency in the distance as they walk out of the station bathroom, down the hall, and out the door. He doesn’t let Buck touch him, and Buck’s okay with that, or so he tells himself. The drive is forty minutes. It’s silent and Eddie spends the whole time looking out the window, his hands shaking in his lap. He doesn’t look Buck’s way once, but Buck makes up for this by catching a glimpse at Eddie whenever he can. Soon enough they get to Eddie’s and are walking through the front door.

“Uh- Thank you.” Eddie says almost awkwardly. Buck stands there in the doorway, smiling now, unsure and worried, but happy. Happy just to be with him, in whatever way that is.

“It’s no trouble. If you need me, call me, okay?” Buck says, his last words more serious than the first.

“Wait.”

Buck’s turned around to leave, but when he hears Eddie’s voice, he pauses. His whole body turns and faces Eddie.

“Can you- Can you stay for a bit? Christopher won’t be home for hours and- and I…”

Eddie looks down like all of the words he was going to say were taken away and stolen from him. Buck’s always been quick with his own and at making a situation more alive so he talks.

“We could watch a movie?” Buck suggests. “I’ll tell Bobby I’m out on leads.”

“Are you sure?” Eddie asks, clearly uncomfortable with lying to their boss, especially with something he feels is so stupid and dumb. Something that he should be able to handle and not find himself curled up in a bathroom stall going through something akin to a panic attack, but is more like a flashback than anything else.

“Yeah, come on, with all the overtime I put in, it’s not a big deal. You sit down and pick a movie. I’ll call Bobby and get us something to drink.”

“Water is fine.” Eddie says, his skin crawling as he relinquishes the control he so desperately holds onto, on everything, to his partner.

Buck smiles and leaves as Eddie sits, his shaky legs finally relaxing. He feels his body sigh in relief. He picks up the remote, but before he can even turn the TV on his eyes shut closed and he’s fast asleep. Buck, a fond smile on his features watches him. He has his phone in hand but he hasn’t even dialed the number yet. Too busy watching Eddie. He walks over then and takes the throw blanket hung over the couch and very carefully lays it over Eddie who curls deeper into the comfort of it all, of the couch, of his home, and of his partner’s presence. Buck, still with that fond smile resists the urge to lean down and kiss him on the cheek softly. An action he so badly wants to perform. It feels like a tug at his heart that just won’t stop.

And honestly, he doesn’t want it to.

-<>-

Eddie wakes up to the ringing of a cell phone and the distinct voice of his partner cursing. He opens his eyes quickly and watches Buck’s back as he walks out of his living room and into the kitchen. He’s talking to someone in a low voice, too low for Eddie to hear. He sits up regardless as the light from outside has turned into darkness. Eddie leans over and turns on a lamp, cascading the room into a light that’s too bright. It makes Eddie cringe, not used to it as he reaches for his own phone and checks the time. 7:12PM it reads and Eddie’s eyes almost bulge out of its sockets. Fuck. Christopher.

Eddie stands up, a blanket he swears wasn’t on him when he fell asleep falling off of him. He turns just as Buck enters the living room, his phone call over. “Where’s Christopher?” Eddie asks quickly.

“He’s fine. I got Maddie and Chimney to pick him up. He’s at their place. I’m sorry, I hope that was okay. We can go and get him.” Buck explains, his face unsure at his bold move, but Eddie is already relaxing. Christopher knows Maddie and Chimney, from Shannon mostly, but he does know them and he’ll be fine. He can go and get him now if he wants to.

“Who was on the phone?”

“Oh, it’s nothing.” Buck shakes him off as he walks over and sits back in the armchair he had no doubt made his home since they got here a few hours ago. Has Buck really been here this whole time? Eddie can’t imagine why, or maybe he can, and maybe that scares him.

“What is it? The Captain?” Eddie asks again, his hands, no longer shaking, rubbing down his face. “Come on, partners, remember?”

Buck sighs and nods. “There’s another body, but I can go by myself.”

“No, I’ll come, I’m fine.”

“Are you sure?”

“I’m sure.” Eddie says, his words holding no argument. “So what do we know?”

“Same MO, and she was found in the same neighborhood.”

“She? Is the Captain sure that this part of our case?”

Buck shifts from foot to foot and Eddie immediately knows that something is not right. “What is it?”

Buck’s eyes turn to him, a spike of not joy, but intrigue dancing in them. “I’ll explain on the way.”


	3. Three.

“Another body?” Eddie asks as they drive down the dark road of LA, although because of all of the lights it’s really anything but dark. Two things in one, Buck and Eddie can relate.

“Sasha Gray, thirty two years old. Stabbed and- from what Bobby said, there was a word in blood painted on the building above the body.” Buck explains, his words catching slightly on the grotesque description of what has happened to this woman.

“A word? In blood?” Eddie questions, surprised. “That’s- how do you know this is part of Hunter’s case?”

Buck looks over a sad sort of smile. “Same neighborhood, same MO, and the word was ‘whore.’ This screams pattern.”

Eddie can’t really argue with that.

-<>-

“We have to canvass again.” Eddie explains.

“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” Buck tells him as he looks over the body. It’s bloodier and more damaged than the rest. The violence is sharp like the blade of whatever knife was used on her.

“Why not?”

“This isn’t- this is turning into a serial.”

Eddie’s eyes are sharp as they find Buck’s. “There’s only two and we still can’t confirm if they’re related.”

“I can feel it in my gut, Eddie, this is the same person, and they’re getting more and more angry. These kinds of perps, they aren’t easy to find. They blend in and he could be anyone. They’re hard to catch.”

“We’ll investigate, we’ll turn over every rock. We’ll get him.” Eddie says, his words full of steel as he looks at the fading hope in Buck’s face. There’s something else there too and Eddie can’t decipher it. It’s almost like a despair that goes deeper into something else. “We’ll find the connection and then once we do we’ll find this guy.”

-<>-

“I just don’t get why he’s acting like this.” Buck explains as he sits across from Maddie. They both have a glass of wine, their second after the one they had at dinner. They’re at Maddie’s place, far nicer and far more put together than Buck’s but it also lacks privacy. Not that Buck doesn’t trust Chimney are anything, but sometimes he needs to talk to his sister without him hanging on every word. Especially when it has to do with Eddie and whatever the hell is going on between them. Luckily he’s out with Hen tonight which is why he’s here.

“He lost someone, Evan sometimes that takes time. You know that.” Maddie says with a sincere smile that’s tinged with sadness as she remembers that same someone as the someone she has lost. She didn’t know Shannon as long or as well as Eddie, she’s sure, but that doesn’t mean she didn’t love her any less in her own way.

“I know. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t be talking to you about this. You’re going through stuff too and it’s not like-”

“Hey.” Maddie says, her eyes determined as her hand rests on Buck’s arm, stopping him from continuing. “You can always come to me, you know that. So tell me what happened?”

Buck hesitates for a moment before launching into everything that’s happened. The kiss and the almost of it all. He explains how useless he feels and how lonely. Even lonelier when he’s with Eddie which doesn’t make any sense because he’s right there with him. Maddie takes it all in with nods and understanding words until Buck is done speaking.

“It sounds like he’s pulling away.” Maddie tells him.

Buck nods enthusiastically. “He is. He doesn’t want to be with me, Maddie, and I can’t stop these feelings inside. I don’t know how I’m going to work with him. He says he needs his partner and I want to do that for him. I want to give him anything he needs but it’s-”

“Tearing you apart.” Maddie finishes. Buck nods miserably as Maddie quickly pulls him into a hug. “Oh, little brother, I’m so sorry.”

“What the hell am I going to do Maddie?”

Maddie pulls away then and smiles sadly. “I can’t tell you that, but what I can tell you is that I don’t think it’s a matter of what he feels. I think it’s more about what he doesn’t want to feel.”

“What do you mean?”

Maddie looks down now, conflicted as she remembers everything Shannon said to her. “Maybe, Eddie is going through more than grief. He grew up Catholic, remember? Mom, she wasn’t Catholic but she was in the church and we both remember what that was like.”

Buck nods, his eyes conflicted as he struggles to push those thoughts and memories away. “So what you’re saying is that I should give him time.”

Maddie nods. “I know it’s probably not what you wanted to hear, but sometimes that’s what people need. Look at Chimney and I. He gave me time and we made it work. We’re happy and you deserve to be happy too. If you don’t think Eddie’s worth it though, then that’s okay too.”

Buck immediately wants to disagree with her. Eddie is worth everything, but he understands what she is saying, and he’s grateful.

“Thanks, sis.”

-<>-

“Good morning.” Buck says a little too cheerfully as he walks over to his and Eddie’s desks. Eddie is already there and looking up at Buck’s words. It’s not the only thing Buck gives him though as he hands him a small brown bag with something inside.

“Morning. What’s this?” Eddie asks, confused.

“It’s a muffin. Blueberry, right?”

Buck sits down at his own desk and watches as Eddie’s face turns into a peculiar expression. “You got me a muffin?”

“Yeah, from that place you like.” At Eddie’s confused expression, Buck explains, “A little birdie told me that you’ve been skipping breakfast.”

Eddie’s brows furrow. “Who told you that?”

Buck pauses for a moment before answering, unable to deny Eddie anything. “Christopher told me.”

Buck’s face is now sheepish as he ducks down and starts a little desperately searching for his paperwork.

“He did, did he?”

“Yep. So, get anywhere on the victims?”

Eddie gives him one last curious glance before moving on to their work. “Not much. I think we’re going to have to hit the ground today.”

“Awesome. I’m going to get some coffee to go from the kitchen. Did you want a water?”

Eddie looks up at him, confused now more than curious. Buck is acting seriously odd today. He’s almost being attentive, which is eerily similar to the way he was acting after… After Shannon. He stopped when Eddie told him he only wanted his partner, so why is he doing this now?

“Um, no, thanks?”

Buck nods and walks away, leaving Eddie with a very strange fluttering in his chest.

-<>-

“What have you guys found?” Bobby asks at the end of the day. Both Buck and Eddie have been called into his office, which is strange in itself but even more so as Chimney and Hen are here.

“Not much except…” Eddie starts, unsure how to finish or explain.

“Except that both we’re the other woman in a marriage, or man in Hunter’s case.”

“That explains the whole ‘whore’ thing.” Chimney chimes in, cringing at the word.

“I still don’t understand why we’re here, Cap, did we do something wrong? Because if this is about the car- that was all Chimney.” Hen says, causing Chimney to give her a betrayed look, but before he can say anything, Bobby is interrupting.

“No, this is about their case. Please, Buck, Eddie- continue.”

“Well, we found a bar that both of them frequented. It’s down the street from the apartment complexes where their married lovers are living. It seems that the night one of them was killed they were with their married men.”

“So someone is targeting people who are cheating with married spouses?” Bobby asks.

“Yes.” Eddie says as Buck says, “Pretty much.”

“Okay, okay, I think we’re going to have to take this investigation to a new level.”

“Captain?” Hen asks, curious.

“We’ve all seen these types of killings before. They’re born of rage and personal vendetta, they’re going to get worse and trying to catch these perpetrators are almost impossible unless…”

“Oh, hell no.” Hen says, catching on. “Captain, no, the last time we did undercover work, Chimney got so drunk he threw up in the duck pond.”

Buck starts chuckling as Eddie looks bewildered between them all. Bobby can’t help but let a small smile slip as well. “I know undercover work isn’t your favourite thing, Hen, but Diaz and Buck have already made their faces known. They can’t do it.”

“Well, that’s not exactly true.” Buck says as he rubs his hand on the back of his neck.

Everyone’s eyes turn to Buck who looks to Eddie, an apology in his eyes. “I’m sorry, Eddie, but there was a lot of apartments and that’s what the patrolmen are there for.”

“You didn’t canvass?” Eddie asks.

“Not exactly? Look, I had so much paperwork from the Rodriguez burglary, I needed to get caught up.”

“It’s okay.”

“Really?” Buck asks, surprised, his eyes turning soft. The other three in the room watch this exchange with differing expressions on each of their faces. A realization dawns on Hen’s, a curious one on Bobby’s, and a complicated one on Chimney’s.

“Okay.” Bobby says, snapping them all out of it. “Hen, if you really don’t want to do this, then Chimney and Buck, this one’s going to you.”

Buck’s eyes light up as he looks to Chimney who smiles too. “We haven’t worked together in ages, this should be fun.”

“Well, I’m glad you think so,” Bobby says with something akin to smugness, “because you’re both going undercover as a married couple.”

This time it’s Hen who bursts out laughing.


	4. Four.

Buck sits down across from Eddie at the small table in the half filled bar. It’s buzzing with chatter and life, and if Buck wasn’t playing a role he would be right there with them. He’d be drinking, throwing darts, and the whole nine yards, but even if he wasn’t playing a role and Eddie was here like he is now, Buck’s not so sure he’d want to leave his side. He might end up simply sitting beside him the whole night like he’s meant to now. It’s not a bad idea, in fact it’s pretty genius on Eddie’s behalf. Eddie canvassed the apartment complex and met Buck, a stay at home husband with a need for some attention. He invites him out, somewhere nearby, a bar he saw on the way, and now they’re here. It took a little convincing for the Captain, but there was no way Eddie would let Buck handle this alone. They’re partners.

Buck leans in, and with a flirting smile whispers in Eddie’s ear, “Relax. We’re meant to be having fun.”

Eddie whose leg bounces up and down nervously, nods. Buck’s hand rests on his knee and he stops. Buck pulls away with that same flirting smile and then waives to the barmaid.

“Hi, what can I get you?” She asks, her red lipstick contrasting beautifully to her pale skin. She has dark brown eyes and curly hair that waves over her breasts in an inviting manner. If Buck wasn’t on the job and if his heart wasn’t so clouded with _Eddie, Eddie, Eddie, _he would be flirting with her. He would be trying to take her home.

“Beer for me.” Buck says, then looks to Eddie, putting on the show, “And whatever my date is having.”

“Beer, too, please.” Eddie says, ever so polite.

“Coming right up.”

Buck smiles at him and in a bold move, Eddie reaches over, his hand resting lightly on Buck’s inner arm. His touch is like fire and ice all in one, and it takes a moment for Buck’s brain to catch up. When it does he’s back to his role and smiling flirtatiously once again.

-<>-

Eddie’s the one who goes into the lobby and gets the room. Buck waits outside, his fingers itching for a cigarette he’s only ever smoked the odd time back in the eleventh grade. It doesn’t take long though before Eddie’s back with their key, his hand reaching for Buck’s and interlocking their fingers in a firm grip. Buck’s always wanted this, maybe not exactly walking hand in hand, but this kind of attention, this kind of love, intention, whatever one wants to call it, from Eddie, even if it’s not real.

Eddie opens the door and backs away, a smile on his lips. It’s a convincing smile but Buck knows better, and in turn can see past the fake of it, but they’re doing a job, so he smiles right back and walks in. Eddie locks the door behind them both as Buck quickly grabs the heavy curtains and closes them tightly. They don’t turn on any lights, both knowing not to as they have already gone through this scenario at the station. Instead Buck sits on the bed as Eddie leans against the far wall, across from him.

“I should have brought a pack of cards.” Buck comments after a few moments, never one to sit in silence for long.

Eddie doesn’t say anything, only acknowledging Buck’s words with his eyes.

“Eddie, come on, I know we’re not great right now but we’re still partners, right?” Buck doesn’t know where it comes from or where the desperation does either, but it’s there. He needs to know and he needs Eddie to be in his life. He needs to be something to him because Eddie is already everything to him. He doesn’t know when exactly that happened, all he knows is that it’s true.

“Of course we are.”

Buck nods, trying to believe him, but there’s something behind his words that makes it hard to.

“Look, Eddie, I’m sorry.”

“For what?”

“I don’t know. Whatever I did.” Buck says it in a rush. He just wants Eddie not to hate him. He just wants him to love him, and maybe that’s selfish, but he already feels the world of Eddie. He can’t mean nothing to him in turn. He doesn’t want to be nothing to him, or as good as.

“You didn’t do anything, Buck.” Eddie tells him, his eyes turning to the floor. It’s hard to see anything in the dark room, but there’s streetlights outside that manage to cast some light into the room, enough for Buck to see the outline of Eddie’s frown.

“Then talk to me. Tell me what’s going on with you, and if you can’t tell me then- tell someone. I’m worried about you. I don’t want to lose you.”

Eddie nods, accepting what Buck is saying, and it’s all that Buck knows he’s going to get, or so he thinks anyway. He’s not sure who’s more surprised, him or Eddie when Eddie starts talking more.

“Shannon- I can’t help but feel like it’s my fault.” The admission is cold and raw, and Buck’s eyes snap up to him as he stands. He comes closer, not touching him, but making sure that Eddie listens like he were.

“Shannon’s death was an accident. What happened to her wasn’t your fault, okay?”

“But what if it was yours?”

Buck physically steps back, confused and hurt. “What do you mean?”

“You told me that whatever I saw- that I shouldn’t listen to it. You- You got me alone and the way you make me feel,” Eddie pauses, sudden tears starting to form, “I’m not supposed to feel this way. I’m not supposed to be this way.”

“You blame me?” The words are filled with pain and realization that makes Eddie crack all over.

Eddie looks down, ashamed. “It’s my fault. I didn’t mean…”

“No, no I get it.” Buck nods, stepping back even more.

“Buck wait-”

Buck doesn’t get to hear what Eddie is going to say as his phone beeps. He takes it out of his pocket. He wipes away the tears and says, “It’s Bobby, a guy followed us here. He’s parked outside.”

“Buck-”

“We’ve got a job to do. Are you ready?”

It’s Buck’s turn now to avoid, and Eddie doesn’t argue. Instead he simply nods, telling him that he is.

“Good, because it’s show time.”


	5. Five.

“Okay, ready?” Buck asks Eddie who stands, his shirt ruffled now and his pants disarrayed. Buck has similar changes to his clothing, making them look like they’ve been taken off and put haphazardly back on. Eddie walks towards the door of the motel room, turning back to give Buck a nod, his answer to what he’s asking.

“Wait.” Buck says, stopping Eddie from opening the door just yet. Eddie’s eyes turn to Buck, and the confusion and anger that was there only moments ago about what Eddie said is gone. Instead all there is in them is concern and worry. “Don’t do anything stupid.”

Eddie smiles, his eyes lighting up. “I won’t.”

Eddie turns the doorknob and steps outside. Buck is right behind him, although instead of leaving the room like Eddie he stays in the doorway. Eddie turns back and leans down. He’s supposed to kiss Buck on the cheek and then go, but instead his lips lock onto Buck’s. It’s little more than a peck but it leaves Buck’s cheeks aflame and his heart beating out of his chest. Those few precious moments are all _Eddie_, _Eddie_, and _Eddie_. It’s overwhelming throughout all of his senses. He doesn’t want it to end, but then it does, and Eddie is turned away, walking off to play his role.

Buck watches him go for a moment longer, his gaze lingering before he remembers himself and turns back into the room. He closes the door and he knows that he should get on with what he needs to do, but all he can do in that moment is lean his head against the closed door and sigh. His heart still beats wildly and its then that he knows that he is well and truly fucked.

-<>-

“You got him?” Buck asks as he walks into the station a few hours later. He had to go back to his and Chimney’s ‘apartment,’ while Eddie puts himself right in the line of fire. He didn’t want him to go alone but Hen and Bobby were there backing him up. Buck had to trust that even if inside he couldn’t rest even knowing that truth.

“We did.” Hen says with triumph smile. “Mostly it was Diaz though.”

“Where is he?” Buck asks, his voice edging onto something else as he sees Eddie’s desk empty.

“He’s in the breakroom with Sergeant Grant.” Bobby fills in as he walks out of his office toward his Detectives. “You should go and see him. He got a little close.”

Anger fills Buck’s veins as worry fills his heart. He gives Bobby and Hen one last look before walking quickly to the breakroom. He bursts open the door and finds Athena sitting across from Eddie at the small table. Eddie has a cup of something hot in front of him and a very noticeable bandage on his arm. Shit.

Athena looks between them both before realization crosses her features. “I’ll give you two a moment.”

She walks out of the room, leaving them alone.

“Eddie? Are you okay?” Buck asks as he walks over, bringing the chair closer to Eddie so that they’re inches away. Eddie looks up and smiles slightly, but there’s a bit of a grimace from some kind of pain there, probably his arm.

“A cut, it’s nothing.” Eddie explains.

“It doesn’t look like nothing.” Buck tells him as his fingers itch to touch, to run along the bandage arm and up Eddie’s broad shoulders. To touch his jaw, his cheek, and then bring him close until he can breathe him in. He wants to feel his heartbeat through their joined lips once again and know for sure that he’s okay. “The suspect?”

“Interview room one.”

“Maybe you should let me handle this one.” Buck says it tentatively, like he’s afraid that Eddie is going to refuse or bite his head off for asking. He knows that Eddie doesn’t like to admit weakness, they have that in common, but Eddie’s been hurt and he hated it. Being laid up in a hospital bed and unable to walk on his own. It was impossible for him. Buck knows he doesn’t want to feel that helpless again, which is why he expects Eddie to refuse, but instead he says something Buck wasn’t expecting.

“Maybe we should let Hen and Chimney handle this one. I kind of want to go home and see Christopher.” Eddie tells him, his eyes hurt for some reason, like it pains him to even look at Buck right now. “Can you take me home?”

Buck’s eyes turned down toward his lap, look up almost startled. Eddie’s eyes still hurt, but there’s a softness to them now, a vulnerability that’s very familiar. Buck remembers at the hospital when he would have nightmares. He’d wake up terrified and Buck would be there. He’d hold his hand through it and then Eddie would come back to himself. He’d be embarrassed but Buck could sense he was grateful, like he is now.

Buck smiles. “Of course I’ll take you home. You don’t even have to ask, Eddie.”

-<>-

“Okay, thanks, Hen.” Eddie says into his phone before hanging up.

“Everything okay?” Buck asks, looking over briefly to the passenger seat where Eddie sits before turning back to the road.

“He confessed. His name is Mick Jones. His mother was the other woman in his father’s marriage. He was angry and hurt. He’ll be up in arraignment tomorrow.”

“At least we got him.”

Buck attempts a smile and Eddie can’t help but give him a small one back before it disappears. “Buck-”

“It’s okay, Eddie.”

“No it’s not.”

“Eddie, please… I’ll take you home and then I’ll see you at work tomorrow. Nothing has to change. I know you don’t want it to.” Buck says all these words in as neutral a voice as he can, even when inside he feels himself crumbling.

Eddie feels words and emotions bubble up in his chest, but they won’t come out. They’re stuck and he’s stuck. So he doesn’t say anything. He doesn’t say anything at all.

-<>-

“Hey, buddy.”

“Daddy!”

Eddie runs into the house as Buck stands in the doorway. He watches with a fond and loving smile on his face as Eddie encircles Christopher in a large hug. He brings him up and holds him close. Buck’s eyes briefly land on Carla’s, his caretaker who smiles along with him. They know each other of course, from Abby’s mom, but they don’t talk about that. Buck can’t and Carla doesn’t want to push him, not after last time.

“Daddy, I painted a birdhouse.” Christopher tells him proudly as Eddie puts him back down.

“Really?” Eddie asks, that big smile still on his face.

“Well, I better get going. I’ll see you tomorrow and you too Eddie.” Carla says to them both as she grabs her jacket and purse. She gives Buck a smile and a nod before she’s out the door and on her way.

“I- I guess I should go too. It was good to see you again, Christopher.” Buck says to them both, his eyes lighting up as Christopher smiles up at him.

“No, wait.” Eddie says, stopping him. “Can you stay for a while?”

“I don’t know.” Buck says sheepishly.

“Please? You make the voices in the books better.” Christopher says, making Buck chuckle. When Shannon and he were staying with him Buck would read his storybooks with him, something Eddie used to do- does.

Buck looks from the kid to Eddie who shrugs.

“I guess I can.” He’s smiling when he says it though and they all know he’d rather be here than anywhere else.

-<>-

“He’s such a great kid.” Buck tells Eddie as they walk out of his room. Eddie pulls up the door and they make their way to the living room.

“He is.” Eddie says, that same fond smile on his face.

“I should really go now.”

“Wait, Buck, I’m sorry.”

Buck turns and looks at him, curious and a little afraid of what Eddie is about to say. He knows the score, Eddie doesn’t want anything to change, partners and all that, but it’s one thing to know and it’s another to hear it. Buck braces himself for the worst, but it never comes.

“I don’t blame you, Buck, I blame myself.” Eddie admits it, his eyes sad and guilty as he looks down.

“It’s not your fault. It was an accident, Eds.”

Eddie shakes his head as Buck’s hand raises, gently placing itself onto Eddie’s cheek, on his jaw, just like he wanted to do at the motel and at the station. Buck fully expects Eddie to shake him off, but he doesn’t. Instead he cups his hand over Buck’s and closes his eyes, savouring this moment.

“Evan,” Eddie says, using Buck’s first name, causing a jolt to run through Buck, “I’ve never felt this way before.”

Eddie’s other hand come up to his chest, pointing to his heart. Buck takes his other hand and wraps it around Eddie’s other one. It’s like ball of yarn around them, pulling them closer and closer until their breaths mingle. Eddie smiles and Buck smiles too, but their lips don’t meet, instead, Eddie collapses into Buck. His face pushed into his shoulder, as Buck holds him close, sharing the load of his pain and confusion, and guilt. They’re partners after all.

-<>-

_Ring. Ring. Ring._

Buck sits up in a jolt as his phone rings and buzzes on Eddie’s nightstand. Buck reaches out for it almost blindly as the arm wrapped around his chest tightens, trying to bring him closer. Buck could never deny him. He grabs his phone and curls into Eddie.

“Hello?” He whispers into the phone as a light kiss is brushed across his neck, below his ear.

“Evan?” It’s Maddie. Her voice shaky and upset.

“Maddie? Are you okay? What’s wrong?”

“It’s- God, she just showed up and said all of these awful things!”

“Maddie, it’s okay, it’s okay, just tell me what’s going on?”

“It’s mom, Evan, she just showed up.”

By now Buck is completely awake. Eddie’s arms are wrapped around him, Eddie’s chin on his shoulder and a sleepy yawn growing from within, then out. Buck doesn’t feel this though or regard it as his whole body spasms in panic. He whispers in that panic and also in pain, not to Maddie or even to Eddie, but to himself, “Mom.”


End file.
